Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

This is amazing.

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.