Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.