Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

I am HOWLING at this

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?