Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

so weird how every mom was born today

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

❄️

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

the clam before the storm