@miliondollameat

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

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@mrjohndarby

In the middle of an important meeting I quietly pass my boss a post-it note. It just says ‘girl cats have wherskers’. He nods

@sweet_toof

Me: ..and a small sprite.
McDonald’s Girl: Want a large? All sizes are only $.99
Me: I ASKED FOR SMALL YOU DIABETES PEDDLER ok gimme a large

@KeetPotato

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

@drinksmcgee

Someone just told me that they met the love of their life on Twitter and I haven’t been able to stop laughing since.

@Cryptoterra

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

@Ideal_Victoria

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

@emmatheist

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

@dumbbeezie

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

@KimmyMonte

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

@mousefountain

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.