me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
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Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks