ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
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You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
the short answer to this question
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Everyone’s family
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.