Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.