Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.