Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
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I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.