Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
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-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed