Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

Barbie gone wild

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.