Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
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[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*