Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Aight bet

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.