Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
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My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.