me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
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Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.