me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.