Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.