me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
my mom making me talk to relatives
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
