Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
You Might Also Like
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
me: i think i like this huge decorative rock
me: ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.