If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
– me trying to eat with chopsticks.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m “friends with beneficiaries” years old.
We are teaching children there is no “i” in team, but it’s way more important to teach them there’s no “a” in definitely.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
M: They didn’t tell me.