me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that


hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad


It’s unfair that throwing rice at couples is limited to weddings only


a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class


Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.




[home depot]

me: i think i like this huge decorative rock

her: boulder



When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.


Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!


I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.