me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!


gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*


Damn it
Damn it
Damn it
(Stabs it)
Damn it

– me trying to eat with chopsticks.


marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad


We are teaching children there is no “i” in team, but it’s way more important to teach them there’s no “a” in definitely.


I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets


[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”


Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma


Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.