me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
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“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
the simulation is moving too fast
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!