Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.