me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
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There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’m putting together a team
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.