ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Can’t. Being lazy.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad