Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now