Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
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just pretend nothing happened
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit