Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

When they try to steal your moment.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”