Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
#Thanos #MondayMood
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love