Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

I really had high hopes for this year though

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.