Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
the way that my cat confidently throws himself into the same screen door on a daily basis trying to catch unobtainable lizards gives me hope that i can also remain upbeat and mildly delusional about what’s possible
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
the greatest twitter interaction
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
