Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

My favorite farside!!

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.