Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
How can I say no to this ?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
October already? What’s next? November????
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
