Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
