Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
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(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Squeak, squeak, squeak!