Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

White parent Vs Arab parents

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.