Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now