Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
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Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Jurassic park gets weird
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade