me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.