me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
