me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Cats are still liquid.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?