Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream