Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Ape together strong

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.