me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Morning.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.