Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
She knows her part so well!
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song