Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
