Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card