Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

A couple who are silly together stay together.

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

motivation

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”