Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.