Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

bout dat hot dog summer

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.