Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco