Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!