Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy![]()
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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes![]()
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Seems a bit forward
![]()
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years