Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

edward fingerhands

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Story of my life…..

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story