Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.