Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.