me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

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Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”


[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles


shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go

me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!


Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence


Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt.

Well played.


Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.


Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.


Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.