Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
shopkeep, trying to gently shoo away the wild goose with a broom: please go
me: you SWEEP goose? you sweep its body like the garbage? oh! oh! jail for shopkeep! jail for shopkeep for One Thousand Years!!!!
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt.
Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.