me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
i wish we could shoplift online
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself