me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.