Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Dietest Coke

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.