Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Basketball

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.