Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.


Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.

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One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.


Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.nnDads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.


Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic


In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?


Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…


Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!


[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.


me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap


The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.