Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.
Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.
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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.
I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.
Don’t say “zoinks” during sex unless it’s spooky.
I spend 80% of my time just hoping it’s not snowing out
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired