@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.

Them:

Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.

You Might Also Like

@WilliamAder

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

@KellyBXah

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.nnDads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

@neiltyson

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

@TheMichaelRock

In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?

@BillMc7

Taken 3 ~ It All Ends Here
Taken 4 ~ Listen, We’re Just As Surprised As You Are
Taken 5 ~ Whaaaaat!? Yep…

@Book_Krazy

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

@Vice_Queen

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

@GrantTanaka

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

@RandomAntics

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.