The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.
Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.
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Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.
Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.
I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.
SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]