Me: Yeah, I’ve been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.


Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.

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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer


They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.


No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.


sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty


me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?


Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.

I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.


Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired