friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
the three genders
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
…żyje?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot