Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again