Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.