Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠