Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
These are so Plastic Man-core
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
long lost
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes