Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

translated into Canadian

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

😂🥴

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.