Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

Midwest trash talk

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.