Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
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So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.