Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

“HELP WITH CAT”

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

we’re gonna need another temp

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’