Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

LMAO

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.