Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My wedding will be open casket.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
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My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.