Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.