Me: yeah we should hang out!
Person checks their phone when you free?
Me: *disappeared*
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Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.