Me: yeah we should hang out!
Person checks their phone when you free?
Me: *disappeared*
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police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Succinctly put.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…