Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

when someone rings the doorbell

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.