Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

how it started vs how it ended

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

God has left this place