me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?