Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

Risking my life for fun.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.