Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

Showerkraut

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

A double negative is a big no-no.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”