Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

Awwwww shit.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.