Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

Good morning y’all ☀️

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying