Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

🍞🦆

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.